


Honorary Title of Biggest Hypothetical P—

by kenophilic



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Crack?, Dick Comparisons, Dicks, Embarrassing Situations, I'm so sorry, Multi, i cannot think of any tags for this wreck, i guess, might be crack, packers, this is a mess., this is literally just the biggest mess., way too comfortable with way too awkward situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 05:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4048666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenophilic/pseuds/kenophilic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mutsuki never meant to get involved in this mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honorary Title of Biggest Hypothetical P—

**Author's Note:**

> this is so halfassed. don't read this. it's a mess. this is a fuckin mess.

"This is stupid."

"No, this is of utmost importance!"

Mustuki wasn't sure he wanted to open the door into the living room. It sounded like Shirazu and Urie were arguing. Again.

But he was so hungry...

He pushed inside anyway, trying to make himself as small as possible so that he wouldn't interrupt their discussion.

However, he made the horrible, awful mistake of glancing over to look at them for a brief moment.

He stopped in his tracks, stunned.

Shirazu and Urie were both unbuttoning their pants, not having noticed the other boy slip into the room just yet.

Mutsuki's face flushed bright red as he watched them push their pants down a few inches, and a flustered shriek almost left his lips, _almost_ , as their underwear went with.

He rushed to the kitchen as silently as he could, eyes wide.

What were they doing??

"See! I told ya!" Shirazu's voice came loud and clear even from the living room as Mutsuki tried to distract himself with digging through the refrigerator. A juice box sounded good right now, he decided.

"That's completely irrelevant, and this isn't even an accurate comparison right now," Urie scoffed, and Mutsuki forced himself to stay in the cold air of the freezer, intently examining the containers of ice cream as though they were the most fascinating things in the world.

"Why not?!" Shirazu all but shouted.

"For one, it doesn't count if they're not—"

"There's no  _way_  I'm doing that in front of _you_!!" Shirazu's volume was steadily inclining, his voice even breaking halfway through the sentence. "I just think you're gettin' defensive! I'm obviously the bigger one here!"

"Absolutely _not_ , have you even looked??" Urie was beginning to sound even more disgusted.

Mutsuki needed to get back to his room. Fast.

He shut the refrigerator doors, holding his juice box close to his chest as he tried to speedwalk past the two of them without making eye contact.

He failed miserably.

"Tooru!" Shirazu called out for him, and the boy tensed, nearly dropping his juice.

"Y-Yes?!" He replied quickly, his voice cracking. Oh no, oh god, he looked. He looked and they were absolutely, without a doubt, doing dick comparisons. He couldn't believe this.

"Who's bigger?!" Shirazu and Urie demanded in unison.

Mutsuki's eyes went wide, and he could feel the blush spreading to his ears and down his neck. "I... uh... um..." He stammered, his gaze stuck fast on the two subjects he was meant to be determining. "Sh... Shirazu, I... I guess??" He whimpered, his voice weak. It wasn't a lie, either. The blond was a bit more well endowed, at least in terms of thickness, he supposed.

"HAHA!" He shouted, jabbing a finger at Urie's chest. "I told ya!!!"

" _Don't_ touch me while you have that thing out," Urie growled bitterly, shoving him away a bit. "Like I said, it doesn't _count_!"

"No, it totally counts! I've got the biggest dick in the house!" Shirazu declared. 

"What about Mutsuki?" Urie countered, raising an eyebrow and sneering at him.

Mutsuki dropped his juice pack. " _H-Huh."_

Shirazu blinked. "Eh?"

"He got that thing in the mail recently, didn't he? You can't say you've got the biggest in the house when you haven't even checked everyone, you're jumping the gun here, asshole," he gave him a disgusted look, shaking his head.

Shirazu blinked again. "Oh. Oh!" He looked over at Mutsuki. "Oi! Tooru! Get over here!"

Mutsuki's heart skipped three beats. "What?!" He nearly screeched.

"C'mon! Whip it out! We're all guys here," he insisted, giving his own a shake for good measure.

Mutsuki was horrified.

But, stunned and confused, he hesitantly made his way over, refusing to make eye contact with either of the flaccid dicks in front of him. With trembling hands and a bit more encouragement (and a groan of a sigh from Urie), he managed to unbutton his pants, pushing them down enough to reveal the packer that Saiko had bought for him two weeks ago. He adjusted the harness strap a bit, blushing and not looking at either of them, babbling quietly about how ridiculous this was.

"Woah," Shirazu said, reaching down to poke it.

Mutsuki shrieked. "Hey!!!" He shouted, turning redder, if possible.

"Sorry! Sorry, I've just never seen it 'cept through your pants before, so," he gave a theatrical shrug. Mutsuki could see a bright pink tinge on his cheeks as well, and a quick glance told him that even Urie was a bit flustered by this too.

"I-Is that all?" Mutsuki asked, moving to start tucking himself back into his pants.

"No, not yet," Urie said, frowning at him. Mutsuki halted, fingers clenched tightly around the front of his waistband. "We haven't even checked who's biggest yet."

"It's still Shirazu!" Came a voice from the couch beside them, and they all looked to find Saiko sitting there with her legs crossed, looking terribly pleased. "Mucchan's in second because he's thicker than Urie, but Urie's _aaaalmost_ as long as Shirazu!" She ignored Urie's sudden insistence that putting the shortest boy in second place for that was a matter of opinion and entirely unfair.

"When did you get here?!" Mutsuki whimpered, his voice hardly audible over Shirazu starting to loudly brag again.

"But it still doesn't count!!" A grin spread across her face.

They all fell silent.

Mutsuki wanted to drop dead.

"As you can see!" She stood up, pushing at the edge of her sweatpants until a packer of her own could be revealed. " _I_ clearly outsize _all_ of you losers!"

It was a stunningly good inch and a half bigger than even Shirazu, and the girth was quite a bit more impressive as well. She put her hands on her hips, looking terribly proud of herself.

Shirazu's jaw dropped. Urie looked like he wanted to kill something. Mutsuki still wanted to fall through the ground.

"That's not fair!"

"When did you even get that?"

" _W-Why_  did you even get that??"

She only grinned, swaying her hips side to side to let it swing in front of her in its harness.

"This is getting ridiculous!" Urie exclaimed, beginning to look genuinely irritated. "Like I said, it doesn't count, they're all soft right now."

"Then you _wanna_ get hard in front'a all of us?" Shirazu sneered, leaning forward.

"Unless you're too scared?" Urie raised an eyebrow, glowering back at him.

Shirazu's eyes widened. "Of course not!!" He huffed defensively.

"U-Um, I don't... I don't know if that's really..." Mutsuki trailed off, feeling quite faint.

Shirazu paused, looking over to him. "Oh. Right. See, that ain't even a fair measurement! He can't do anythin' with that over there, right?"

"Oh well."

Mutsuki's pride deflated a bit, almost to the point of a pout.

"Gimme a second!" He noticed briefly that Saiko had suddenly disappeared, but didn't have time to think much of it when Shirazu spoke again.

"Well, then I guess Tooru sorta wins by default? Just to be fair, right?" Urie rolled his eyes and sighed.

"I guess, fine. Sure. Why not. Congratulations, Mutsuki, you have the honorary title of biggest hypothetical penis in the household."

Mutsuki's face positively stung with how hard he was blushing. "Th-Thank you?? Can I pull up my pants now??" He squeaked.

"Sure, I guess." Shirazu shrugged, turning his attention back to Urie as Mutsuki shakily did so.

"Now ya gotta get yourself hard, Cookie! You were the one that wanted this, after all, can't back out now...!" Shirazu huffed, reaching down to give himself a good squeeze and a tug.

"I never said I had a problem with it, idiot."

Mutsuki moved to pick up his juice box again, utterly traumatized.

"Oi! Where do ya think you're goin'? Ya gotta stay and compare still, we ain't done."

Mutsuki whined, grudgingly moving back over to the two of them.

Urie was already making good enough work of his own, though the glare he was giving Shirazu was almost unsettling. Mutsuki pushed the straw into the juice pack, deciding that there was no point to fighting this anymore.

The blush on Shirazu's face was beginning to rival the smallest boy's by the time the two were at their fullest potential.

"I'm still bigger!" He insisted, stepping a bit closer.

"Um, excuse me," Urie scoffed, holding himself up a bit more. "I'm longer."

Mutsuki sipped his juice.

"Excuse me, boys!" Came Saiko's voice again.

"Serously?!?!" Shirazu shrieked, his eyes wide as his gaze caught the _horrifying_  strap on jutting from the girl's pelvis. It was bright blue, and at least a good ten inches in length. Highly detailed, too. 

"When have you even had a chance to use that??" Urie demanded, looking equally disturbed.

Mutsuki almost dropped his juice box again, memories flooding through his head as his cheeks flushed red again. It'd been quite a while since he'd last seen _that_.

Saiko only grinned, swaying her hips side to side. "I winnnn~" She sang, ignoring both of them.

"Fine!!" Shirazu cried, grimacing. "Fine! Saiko wins! Fine! Who cares!"

Urie made a face, looking somewhere between disgusted and traumatized. "I can't believe it. I can't believe this. This is bullshit."

"Having fun, kids?" Came a light, amused voice from the kitchen.

They all stopped in their tracks to see Sasaki pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"S-Sassan!!" Shirazu's voice cracked.

Mutsuki turned and walked out of the room.

Urie didn't say a word, staring at Sasaki with wide eyes, frozen in place.

Saiko's confidence didn't waver as she lifted her hand, waving at him. "Morning, Maman!"

He gave her a sweet smile in return, waving and leaning on the edge of the counter as he sipped his coffee.

"Wait, now that Sassan's here we gotta recount!" Shirazu realized, embarrassment addling his head.

Sasaki snorted into his cup, raising his eyebrows. "I'm good, thank you." He nodded respectfully, pushing away from the counter and starting through the living room, toward the hallway. "Glad you guys are getting along, though...!" He disappeared up the stairs.

With the 'mood' successfully killed, so to speak, Urie shoved himself back into his pants, muttering angrily to himself and picking up his book before storming toward the front door.

With the room left in silence, Shirazu looked over at Saiko, his eyes wide and his face flushed from the overwhelming situation that had just occured.

She stood there, blinking innocently, hands still on her hips.

"...Where'd ya even get that?" He asked quietly, his eyes caught on the strap-on.

"Oh! Internet, couple months ago," she answered easily, looking down at it like she'd just noticed that it was still there.

"Oh. Nice," he replied, albeit a bit awkwardly. "Have... have ya tried it out?"

"Mhm," she grinned, looking quite proud as she looked back at him. "Couple times on Mucchan, actually~"

"O-Oh." His face turned even pinker at that. "H-How's that work out for ya?" 

"Great! You could take it for a test ride if you wanted too, you know," she said, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

Still out, Shirazu Jr. gave a small twitch.

"W-We'll see. We'll see."

**Author's Note:**

> gay. gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.


End file.
